maddiieeatthedisco

Im not getting any better, it sucks, cuz ive been sick for a week now. my throat HURTS so bad,
i dont think its ever been as sore, at least not for so long. so anyway, i know im neglecting my lj, im here all the time,
but i just dont post that many entries. im sure you dont even notice XD 

i never told you about hovefestivalen either. AMAZING. period. 

im so fucking tired of having to think before i talk. i dont want to hide my feelings, why should i even care?
i get the whole 'i-still-love-him-and-im-bitter-that-he-dumped-me'-thing.. but seriously? get over it..
its not like you cared about my feelings when you got together with him, even though you knew how i felt...

so fucking suck it up and get over yourself. we made it through, and we're still friends.
you cant keep getting upset and sad every time his name is mentioned. im still his friend, just like im yours.

saying his name is nothing compared to kissing him in front of me...

 

 idk why im writing this.. it just came to my mind earlier when i was at the stable. 

so the thing is... the first thing i heard when i came there on tuesday was like "yeah... they just drove it away, i dont really know why or whatever". i continued listening to the conversation between the owner of the stable and another man up there. there is (well... was) this horse that i used to hate, ok, not HATE, but i disliked it a lot because it was always all crazy and dangerous. the owners werent actually taking good care of it in the first place, but then the vetrinary found out that the horse was like... 80% blind. BLIND. without them even noticing a slightest bit =| 

so from the day they got to know that, the horse was useless to them. taking care of a horse take a lot of time, and even more time when it's sick and all that. but they just stopped coming to the stable. they were there merely 10 minutes each time, only a couple of days a bit. they were just cleaning out of its box, and then just left again. a lot of people up there were pretty upset about it, and a lot of rumors started spreading. the owners werent very well liked in the first place... go figure. 

anyway... so on sunday i was talking to one of the girls up there who were really upset because of the neglected horse. it was never outside, never seeing the daylight, only standing still inside, steadily becoming more and more restless. and the owners were never there, and she had heard the horse (its name was Apollo btw..) were always really contact-searching, wanting to be groomed and all that. i feel really terrible for not paying more attention to this earlier, but i really couldnt care less back then. i guess i just never looked into it.. so when i came up to the stable today, the owner came in, and was looking perfectly content, for whatever reason. and this other girl was like "omg, im sooo sorry for what happened. its so sad". and the owner just nodded and was like "yeah. pretty sad, that..". and i couldnt help but giving her a really stern look, i was seriously thinking "murderer" in my head. then she proceeded to remove all her belongings from the stable, and then she just left, without even looking a slightest bit sad or turning around.

the vetrinarian were there on monday, just checking how the horse were doing, taking some tests etc. but then, evidently, the owners just said she could put it away. like.... KILL it. i still cant believe it. a horse is still perfectly fine, even though its blind. ive seen a lot of half-blind horses, and theyre just as good as normal ones, they just need to be taken a little better care of. but they just put it to death and drove it away because they really couldnt care about it any less =|     they were going to send it back to the former owner so it could be taken care of there.. but they just put it to death instead. 

wow, this turned out to be a lot longer than what i first intended it to be, but... its just really upsetting me. animals cant express their feeling like we can, they have to trust their owners to take fully care of them. and this whole episode has just made me think of how thankful i am for not being this selfish, fucked up person, doing this to their animals. i have a horse, a dog and a cat, and i could never EVER do anything like that to either one of them. of course, going to the stable EVERY DAY is kinda stressful and tiresome some days, but i still love my horse to death. 

and how you can you just KILL your horse, the animal needed you to survive, and just walk out of the stable with you head high... 
i just dont understand what kind of a person would have the conscience to do that. i just dont fucking get it.

(just me ranting again....)


i want to be with you. regardless of what they'll say. you are an amazing person, and one of the few i actually feel comfortable with.
i love you. i wish we were closer. i wish we had more time. i wish i was like you. i wish i could show you what you mean to me.

i dont know you. you dont know me that well. but i sure as hell want to know you.
constantly thinking about you. dreaming about you. talking about you.
its like youre always there, in my mind, in other peoples eyes, behaviour, in my heart. but youre not.

too far away, bb.
i need to feel you, to make sure youre real. to make sure you mean the words you say to me.
and im afraid. that youre not gonna like me. that im not what you think i am.
dont get me wrong, im not accusing you. im just afraid. afraid of being myself, of not being enough.

youre so damn perfect. just the thought of you makes me smile. 
its only a couple of months left until you leave. until i wont get a single chance to see you.
and now im just sitting here, waiting, for summer to come. when we'll hopefully get a chance to be together.
but only for a couple of days. then youll be miles and oceans away from me...

.. with only letters to express the way i feel.